“I have always felt the need to touch, to say a word, to see the other person's smile. I just
never could. I need you to reach me with your hand and to never let go of me, or I will once
again lose everything I have in this world. I'll lose you. And I could not bear anymore with
the same destructive pain and suffocating silence. I need your voice now, I have become addicted
to your touch. I need you to save me.
The next time I woke up it was because I suddenly felt too cold and strangely alone. And alone I was. I got up and called his name, the name that had been stuck in my dreams the whole time… My voice was hoarse from the crying, but his name still sounded beautiful even coming out from my mouth. But there was no answer. And then I felt scared. I felt alone again, terrified that it had all been a dream, that I had imagined everything. Terrified that I was still all alone. I started running around the house, checking all the rooms, but after all, it wasn’t really a big house. So not finding him was not exactly a surprise. But realizing it hurt more than anything else in the whole world. It felt like the pain could break me in half. So I just stayed there, seated on the corner of the sofa, watching the TV (well, more like staring blankly at it…), waiting for something to happen. For him to come, for someone to call me and tell me it had all been a dream, for my life to end. I spent the whole day there without even daring to blink or move. By the time the night fell again, I had already decided that it had all been a dream and I went to eat something. I was awfully hungry, and most probably just as dehydrated, because I drank one bottle full of water and I still felt like I needed more. So I grabbed whatever food I had in the fridge that I could eat without actually cooking and I tried to eat as much as possible, but it all seemed to taste like rubber to me and even after finishing I still had the feeling that I was starving. I didn’t even notice when it had started raining, but the sky was dark with clouds and the setting sun wasn’t even visible. The echo of the rain drops falling on the window made me realize that although I could hear everything around me I wasn’t really listening. It was all echoing inside of myself, but it all hit the walls inside of myself without any response. I could hear, but I couldn’t listen to. I was empty. I felt empty and shallow. But that’s how it was supposed to be. We were supposed to go back to our own lives and live in our own ways. And suddenly those words I remembered telling him felt stupid, felt childish. “Meant to be”…? I must have been insane to actually have said those words to a guy I barely knew… But yet again, maybe I hadn’t…
Unfortunately for my state right then, I heard the door bell ringing and I knew it was him. I wanted it to be him, and yet I was hoping it wasn’t him, for the sake of my own mental health. So many different feelings were too much for me to deal with, but I guess that was what I had been waiting for. So I had received more than I had ever wished for. ..
And of course, when I got to the door, there he was, standing in the rain, in front of the door. His head was lowered so I couldn’t see his face too well, but even so, the mere shape of him looked so beautiful in the rain. And of course, I did the thing that seemed the most sane for us at that moment: I didn’t open the door. I was just standing there, staring at him through the window next to the door, not saying a word, not moving. And he did the same thing on the other side of the door. He didn’t move an inch for the next half an hour, he would just knock faintly on the door at times. He sat down after that, in front of the door. I could see him shivering because of the cold and the rain, but I couldn’t get myself to open that god damn door. What if he would hurt me? What if he would just leave me alone again? What if he would just step on my heart and break it all over again? No, I couldn’t take that chance. And then I heard his voice… “Please… Don’t kill me like this…” Kill him? It was just a rain! “ I… I’m sorry… I can’t stand out here on my own… Please!” Alone? What about me? You left me here alone a whole day, without saying a damn word! Alone?! “Please talk to me… I was afraid, I was so afraid this morning that I would ruin everything, that I would make you hate me, that I had to leave… I had to forget about all the feelings I have had all this time… The time when you didn’t see mee, the time when you didn’t want to hear me… It hurt so much… “ I couldn’t listen anymore, or I would have died of a heart break… So I just sat down, covered my ears and started crying as hard as I could, to cover his voice… To cover my own voice that was telling me I was wrong. By the time I stopped crying and had the courage to stand up again, he wasn’t talking anymore. He was standing right next to the door, his head resting on it, his eyes closed… Closed. He seemed not to tremble anymore, not to breathe… H… he seemed to have fallen asleep; or worse, to have fainted… FAINTED! I opened the door as fast as I could and caught him… He seemed to sleep so deeply… But he must have fainted because of all the rain and cold. What had I done? I was the biggest idiot in the whole world! But then he opened his eyes and said in a low faint voice: “Do you know why I asked you that question on the night we met the first time?” Shock… No, I did not, I never even thought about taking it seriously… So I shook my head… “I just wanted to be able to see your face. To just sit there and… and…“ Well, I guess then he did faint, so I took him on my arms and carried him to the bed where I started to take off his wet clothes. I had to do something to keep him warm, and I had to do it fast because he was already running a high fever. After I got rid of the wet clothes and I managed to tuck him under some blankets I tried to get him to wake up, but the most I could get from him were some random whispers. At least he was still alive…
By the time he got back to his senses, I was already asleep, because I woke up when I felt his hands caressing my face… “Ne, why does your touch feel so gentle?” I managed to ask, still lost in sleep and definately lost in his touch… “Because I’m still afraid you’re an illusion… still afraid you’re going to vanish if I dare to touch you…” I opened my eyes to look at him. Still sweaty from the fever and looking tired, with his gaze lost somewhere in my hair, he looked more like a god than a human. I was the one afraid not to lose him. He looked so intangible that I actually felt ashamed for making him so human as to cry in the rain and beg for me to let him in. Yet, it made my desire and feelings for him stronger and stronger. I tried to get closer to him to touch his forehead to see if he still had a fever, but I knew very well that all that I wanted was to be as close to him as possible. He looked at me a bit surprised, but when he realized what I was doing he seemed a bit disappointed. “Ne, can I rest my head on your lap?” Again that question… “Yes…” And he actually turned around and placed his head on my lap. I could feel his gaze again, but this time he was looking at my face, and when I felt his hand again touching my cheek I couldn’t stop myself from looking down at him… And the I just couldn’t stop staring in his eyes. Divine, sincere and innocent eyes… I could see his whole soul through them and I could only see love in it. For me. For the worthless me, the idiot who made him suffer because of fears. He felt so close to me, so similar to me, that I knew he was me and that I had become him. We were one now, and we both knew it. No fears left, no ignorance and no distance. I leaned down and I took his head in my hand and the next thing I knew, our lips were touching. The bittersweet taste of him and of me, of the feelings we both felt. Just love. Just US…