Please, everyone, be safe and take care of yourselves!
- Current Location:Foshan, China
- Current Mood: sad
I know I haven't posted in a while, but kinda been busy... So here's some more RyoBaru Angst!
Bad love song/ What went wrong?
“Do you remember the place where we first met? Do you remember that first moment when we looked at each- other and we both smiled like idiots? Do you remember the first time we sang together? Do you remember our first fight? Our first silence?
I can still remember all those moments so vividly that it makes my heart ache. I remember that small room where we were introduced. Your first smile is still making my heart race. The first note we sang together seemed to me so perfect that it made me burst with desire… Desire to sing, desire to have you close to me, to be one, to be perfect together.
It hurt, you know… It hurt when I made you suffer like that, it hurt when you failed to see through me and threw all those words at me. I just wanted to make you suffer, suffer just as much as I was suffering. It’s stupid how I could never tell you those few words that could have spared us all this pain. How I was unable to stop you from killing me with every word, every look, every action... I am sorry… I love you!”
Those were the only words that he wanted to tell him, but he never could. The short letter was still wrapped and hidden in his drawer and he was more than sure it would never see the day of light. He could never let anyone know how he felt. Because it just hurt too much. Thy had been friends ever since they had met. But he always knew that he wanted more. More than the rebel boy with dark, long hair could have offered him as a friend. He had realized he loved him ever since they had sang together the first time. But he couldn’t ask so much of him. Subaru had always seen him as a friend only and a band mate. Not more.
And that kiss… That kiss was the last straw. That “fanservice” kiss had shown him that he just couldn’t go on like that anymore. So he did the only thing he knew how to do: he tried to push him away. He tried to hurt him with every occasion, he started going out with any person who offered, he started acting mean every time Subaru was around. And Subaru responded the same way, by hurting him with every word he said to him. They hated each-other. They truly did, or that’s what Ryo tried to think. Hoped.
“Why in the name of God is that song not good? I chose the song myself, I like it and I want us to sing it as a group!”
“I just don’t like it! It sounds fake! I don’t want to sing a love song! Not something like that!”
“Why would love sound fake to you, Ryo? You seem to be spreading sooo much love around every night, but you can’t sing about it with your friends? Tell me, Ryo, why don’t you like it?”
“I am not going to argue with you, Subaru! Not now! I don’t even understand why we have to sing together! Why can’t we just have the solos? Why in groups?”
“Ryo, it has already been decided that we are going to do this, it’s way easier to have 3 videos instead of 7!”
“You shut up, Shouta, no one asked you! Besides, I never agreed to this jan-ken-pon system! I just want to be able to choose my partner and the song! “
“Ryo, I suggest you take five and cool down a bit. You did not object when we were choosing the groups, I don’t see why you’d do it now. You’re just being a jerk right now. How ‘bout you just take the day off to think about this?”
“Great! I believe I will do that! See you tomorrow!”
He takes his jacket and slams the door as he leaves the room in a rush, being unable to stand the situation anymore. Of all people, he has to sing with HIM. And a love song, to make it worse. He needs to cool off, so he heads to the nearest bar to have a drink and hopefully stop thinking about this whole mess for a while.
“Jeesh, what’s his problem now?”
“Don’t mind him Shouta, he’s just being his usual self.”
“Yes, but this situation can’t keep going on forever. He has to come to term with his issues, or he’ll drag us all down.”
“He will. Even if I have to beat his senses back into him. I’m off, guys. See ya tomorrow!”
“Subaru, be careful. He’s a walking bomb. If you tick him off, it will be messy.”
“I know, Yoko, but this is all I can put up with too. Bye!”
“I hope they’ll be ok…”
“Don’t worry Ohkura, they’re big boys.”...
Subaru walks in the bar and sees him there, drinking and flirting with a girl. He doesn’t recognize her, but yet again, most probably not even Ryo knows her. She’s just one of his drunk- flings. He knew that they were just flings and one night stands, but it still hurt him to see Ryo like that. And it hurt, because he wanted to help him, but didn’t know how to.
“Ryo, we need to talk.”
“No, I need to talk to this pretty lady here. YOU need to leave.”
“I’m not leaving until I talk to you. The pretty lady here can go powder her nose for a few minutes.”
The girl looks at him annoyed, but finally decides she doesn’t want to argue, so she goes to the bathroom.
“Great, now I will spend 5 minutes less with her, because you feel like sharing. Just great.”
“Stop mocking me, Ryo. I never did anything to upset you, I never did anything to deserve all your stingy words, and yet you keep arguing with me over everything. What is your problem?”
“My problem? Nothing. I just don’t like your attitude. That’s it. I don’t like you.”
“We used to be friends…”
“Oh, no! You used to be friends. I just used to be friendly. But I just figured I don’t really have to do that, either. We’re just singing together, that’s it.”
Subaru’s fist darts with an amazing speed towards Ryo’s face, because, yes, now he wants to hit the hell out of him. But he stops. Even though the person in front of him is not the man he fell in love with, he still cares about him. He can’t hurt him.
“So that’s how you decided it will be? We’ll be just singing on the same stage?”
“Yes. This is how I see it. Now get the hell out of here before I lose my date for tonight.”
“Fine. I hope you have a great night together.”
Great night, huh… Most likely yet another one of those short, meaningless and indifferent rounds of sex ending up with him throwing her out of his apartment and spending the rest of the night in his room, staring blankly at pretty much nothing.
And that’s pretty much exactly how it goes down: they end up at his place, she tries, he ends up saying his name yet again, she gets annoyed, he invites her to leave his apartment and ends up drinking some more. As if he’s not drunk enough even as it is. But he has to keep drinking, to keep forgetting. Because maybe this way, soon enough, he will stop loving…
- Current Location:work
- Current Mood: tired
- Current Music:Nishikido Ryo- Akireru kurai bokura ha negaou
I guess I must’ve been insane to leave him such a note, but after all I had been through I decided I wanted to be spoiled a little, and I did believe he owed me some kisses after falling asleep right after I kissed him. I know he had a fever, but still I wasn’t expecting that. I was acting selfish, but isn’t that how love makes you? At that point I felt I couldn’t have enough of him and having to go to work and be away from him for a whole day just made me wish for some rewarding when I got back home.
So I guess I wasn’t really expecting him to wait for me sitting on the couch waiting for delivery food, but it was better than nothing. He got up, came towards me and pinched my cheek saying: “After you made me wait so much time and you left me staying in the rain I owe you something? What a prick! And you also went to work and left me here all alone, missing you…“ He looked so sweet with a huge grin on his face that I just felt the need to hug him and pretty much so I did. His embrace still felt like heaven and I still felt like a dead soul that had just been saved from its eternal torment, so I wasn’t ready to let him go just yet. But when the bell rang and he told me “Delivery. If you still want that dinner, you’d better save that hug for later. “ I realized how insane I was acting and let him go take the food. Save that hug for later, huh… He was putting up with my idiotic behavior quite well, but I still had to tune in down a notch.
“Dinner is served I guess…” he said smiling. “I hope you DO realize that now I actually expect you to feed me in return, since I was so nice as to actually order.” I guess he was even more selfish than I was, but I was ready to give him everything he wanted. Everything I had, everything I was. Because he was giving me so much without even realizing. So I arranged the food on the table and without even thinking of bringing plates for two, I just started eating and feeding him at the same time. He had such a happy face that it made me forget all the pain I had felt the night before and the previous days. All I knew then was the fact that he was happy and that I was grateful to receive such a warm smile from him.
After putting away the rest of the food I found him laying on the bed, face up, staring at the red walls.
“Are you feeling better now? No more fever?”
“Yeah, I guess I was very well taken care of…” He got a hold of my hand and pulled me on the bed next to him. “So… What about those kisses you were saying about?” For the first time I noticed that evil grin, so strong, yet so playful. And then I realized I wanted him so badly, that my whole body hurt. But I was scared. I was still too scared to leave myself defenseless in front of another person. What an idiot I was. I was now refusing what I, myself, had asked for. It was as if trying to stop a kid from playing with his favorite toy, but I just had to stop. “Uh I guess those will have to wait. I’m really tired tonight, so do you think I can just get the hug I saved earlier for now?” And even though he was confused and tried to pout, he knew that something was wrong and just lightly pressed a kiss on my forehead and put his hands around my waist, closing his eyes. “You know I could never hurt you, right?“ Very well. I knew very well that what he felt was just as strong as I felt and that he could never do anything that would harm me. But we were both the impulsive types and I guess it was for the best to just take it slower. “I know.” I strengthened my hold on him, closed my eyes, and as I was falling asleep I said “I love you too…” And I knew he loved me too, even though he couldn’t say it. He could never say it, but he never had to. Because I knew…
“So what were you saying you were doing for a living again?”
“HUH?! What am I doing for a living?! I’m a star, you know! A STAR! Everyone knows me, but you have no idea what I’m doing for a living?!
“A star, huh? No, I guess I had no idea…” For the first time I felt lost, since I realized I actually knew nothing about him, besides what we both shared and felt. Nothing about his real life out there.
“So by star, you mean you’re a singer or something?”
“Tsk, you really don’t know who I am, huh? Yes, a singer. I’m in a band. It’s called NewS.”
“Huh… So… can I hear you singing sometime?” I felt like I might get to know him better if I heard him singing, like I might discover more about him.
He turned on one side facing me and he hugged me and then he started singing.
“Yeah… Yeah… Yeah… I’ll show you that I can protect every element that colors you, I’ll be by your side no mater what, I will take away every little thing that saddens you, So let this love last a little longer! This love… This love…“
He had such a perfect voice: Low, a bit husky but always gentle; A voice that would reach my soul and make me smile without a reason. It was passion, heat and so much love… Yes, love. I guess he had opened up himself and poured all that he was in this song, because it was so much like him. I could feel his love for music, his love for me and every single bit of his soul vibrating in the lyrics as he sang them. All that he always wanted was more love. He was like a child, so true to his feelings and so demanding. It made me feel like I could never offer him so much of myself.
“Ne… How much do you think I love you?”
“Huh? Love me? Ettooo… I think… That when you see me you never want to let me go and that when you don’t see me you really want to come back to me. I think that… You really want to kiss me right now, that’s how much you love me!” And then he did something that surprised me. He kissed me. He was so playful and confident, he felt so sure of my feelings that he had no reserve anymore. I felt like his music. He kissed me with so much passion that I felt like I was the music in his soul. He was so sure I loved him back. Maybe he knew more than I did again. I kissed him back, over and over again, wishing to prove him right, to become one with his music. And I felt so caught up in those feelings that I realized I was defenseless faced with so much love, that I needed it so much, that I was addicted to it. I guess that was my way of loving him back just as much as he did. His feelings would complete me, so I guess that was love.
When I finally managed to open my eyes and to look at him, he looked so happy and radiant that it made my heart skip a beat. I just hugged him so hard that he felt like crumbling under my chest, but that also left no distance between us. He kissed me harder, we both lacked air, but none of us could stop. We both wanted more, we both felt so much more. When he touched my bare skin underneath the shirt, every single bit of my desire burst out. I rolled so that I could be on top of him and I left no distance whatsoever between us. His hands were on my back, his nails were piercing my skin but it only made me feel him even more. It was all pleasure. My skin felt like burning, I felt like I was going to explode, clothes were too much, so I just undid his shirt and threw it away and I took mine off throwing it next to his, and the jeans were next. I stopped for a moment to look at his skin. It was so perfect that I suddenly felt ashamed of touching it. But he took my hand and placed it on his chest next to his heart: it was beating so fast that I thought it was going to explode. Now my heart was beating like crazy, enough to make me dizzy, but I took my hand from where he had placed it and managed to place a kiss on that spot. “Now it belongs to you!” He said.
I felt like I was going insane, wanting more, wishing, dreaming. Making love to him was so powerful and insanely passionate. I never thought I was capable of taking someone like that: so fast, then so slow that I could feel every inch of his skin, every bone in his body. He never screamed, never complained. Only his eyes could speak for his heart; he also wanted more, more of everything. Every time he got close to ecstasy he would place a kiss on my lips and bite my lower lip- not hard, but enough to let me know that it was me who was doing that to him, it was me who was making him feel so good. And in return I would always try to make it last as much as possible, to let him feel as much of me as possible. If it was me he needed, I was completely happy. We only stopped when we were both so tired that we could barely move anymore. I hugged him, holding him tight to my chest, resting like that, like one.
“Now you’re not A star anymore, you’re MY star!”
As I woke up in the early morning as if from a dream I looked at his face. It was the purest and happiest face I had ever seen. Long, raved hair, a serene face, part hidden by the white sheet he was covered with, but allowing me to see his small eyes and the sweetest pouting mouth ever: he did that in his sleep. Such a petite body, yet such a sensual shape. Subaru was so perfect that I wanted to scream it out loud. I wondered if he knew just how important he was to me and how perfect he seemed in my eyes. He was always insecure. He would think he wasn’t good enough for me. The sight of him sleeping so serene made me wish to wake him up and scream from the top of my longs everything he was, everything I could see in him. Everything I loved… But all I could do when he opened his eyes was to just crash onto his chest and hug him just as hard as he had the previous night. Enough to let him know just how much he meant to me- just how much his smile meant to me…
“Naniga atte mo, soba ni iyou…”
- Current Location:work
- Current Mood: cheerful
- Current Music:Kanjani8- Rolling Coster
- Current Location:work
- Current Mood: tired
- Current Music:Miyavi- Selfish Love
“I have always felt the need to touch, to say a word, to see the other person's smile. I just
never could. I need you to reach me with your hand and to never let go of me, or I will once
again lose everything I have in this world. I'll lose you. And I could not bear anymore with
the same destructive pain and suffocating silence. I need your voice now, I have become addicted
to your touch. I need you to save me.
The next time I woke up it was because I suddenly felt too cold and strangely alone. And alone I was. I got up and called his name, the name that had been stuck in my dreams the whole time… My voice was hoarse from the crying, but his name still sounded beautiful even coming out from my mouth. But there was no answer. And then I felt scared. I felt alone again, terrified that it had all been a dream, that I had imagined everything. Terrified that I was still all alone. I started running around the house, checking all the rooms, but after all, it wasn’t really a big house. So not finding him was not exactly a surprise. But realizing it hurt more than anything else in the whole world. It felt like the pain could break me in half. So I just stayed there, seated on the corner of the sofa, watching the TV (well, more like staring blankly at it…), waiting for something to happen. For him to come, for someone to call me and tell me it had all been a dream, for my life to end. I spent the whole day there without even daring to blink or move. By the time the night fell again, I had already decided that it had all been a dream and I went to eat something. I was awfully hungry, and most probably just as dehydrated, because I drank one bottle full of water and I still felt like I needed more. So I grabbed whatever food I had in the fridge that I could eat without actually cooking and I tried to eat as much as possible, but it all seemed to taste like rubber to me and even after finishing I still had the feeling that I was starving. I didn’t even notice when it had started raining, but the sky was dark with clouds and the setting sun wasn’t even visible. The echo of the rain drops falling on the window made me realize that although I could hear everything around me I wasn’t really listening. It was all echoing inside of myself, but it all hit the walls inside of myself without any response. I could hear, but I couldn’t listen to. I was empty. I felt empty and shallow. But that’s how it was supposed to be. We were supposed to go back to our own lives and live in our own ways. And suddenly those words I remembered telling him felt stupid, felt childish. “Meant to be”…? I must have been insane to actually have said those words to a guy I barely knew… But yet again, maybe I hadn’t…
Unfortunately for my state right then, I heard the door bell ringing and I knew it was him. I wanted it to be him, and yet I was hoping it wasn’t him, for the sake of my own mental health. So many different feelings were too much for me to deal with, but I guess that was what I had been waiting for. So I had received more than I had ever wished for. ..
And of course, when I got to the door, there he was, standing in the rain, in front of the door. His head was lowered so I couldn’t see his face too well, but even so, the mere shape of him looked so beautiful in the rain. And of course, I did the thing that seemed the most sane for us at that moment: I didn’t open the door. I was just standing there, staring at him through the window next to the door, not saying a word, not moving. And he did the same thing on the other side of the door. He didn’t move an inch for the next half an hour, he would just knock faintly on the door at times. He sat down after that, in front of the door. I could see him shivering because of the cold and the rain, but I couldn’t get myself to open that god damn door. What if he would hurt me? What if he would just leave me alone again? What if he would just step on my heart and break it all over again? No, I couldn’t take that chance. And then I heard his voice… “Please… Don’t kill me like this…” Kill him? It was just a rain! “ I… I’m sorry… I can’t stand out here on my own… Please!” Alone? What about me? You left me here alone a whole day, without saying a damn word! Alone?! “Please talk to me… I was afraid, I was so afraid this morning that I would ruin everything, that I would make you hate me, that I had to leave… I had to forget about all the feelings I have had all this time… The time when you didn’t see mee, the time when you didn’t want to hear me… It hurt so much… “ I couldn’t listen anymore, or I would have died of a heart break… So I just sat down, covered my ears and started crying as hard as I could, to cover his voice… To cover my own voice that was telling me I was wrong. By the time I stopped crying and had the courage to stand up again, he wasn’t talking anymore. He was standing right next to the door, his head resting on it, his eyes closed… Closed. He seemed not to tremble anymore, not to breathe… H… he seemed to have fallen asleep; or worse, to have fainted… FAINTED! I opened the door as fast as I could and caught him… He seemed to sleep so deeply… But he must have fainted because of all the rain and cold. What had I done? I was the biggest idiot in the whole world! But then he opened his eyes and said in a low faint voice: “Do you know why I asked you that question on the night we met the first time?” Shock… No, I did not, I never even thought about taking it seriously… So I shook my head… “I just wanted to be able to see your face. To just sit there and… and…“ Well, I guess then he did faint, so I took him on my arms and carried him to the bed where I started to take off his wet clothes. I had to do something to keep him warm, and I had to do it fast because he was already running a high fever. After I got rid of the wet clothes and I managed to tuck him under some blankets I tried to get him to wake up, but the most I could get from him were some random whispers. At least he was still alive…
By the time he got back to his senses, I was already asleep, because I woke up when I felt his hands caressing my face… “Ne, why does your touch feel so gentle?” I managed to ask, still lost in sleep and definately lost in his touch… “Because I’m still afraid you’re an illusion… still afraid you’re going to vanish if I dare to touch you…” I opened my eyes to look at him. Still sweaty from the fever and looking tired, with his gaze lost somewhere in my hair, he looked more like a god than a human. I was the one afraid not to lose him. He looked so intangible that I actually felt ashamed for making him so human as to cry in the rain and beg for me to let him in. Yet, it made my desire and feelings for him stronger and stronger. I tried to get closer to him to touch his forehead to see if he still had a fever, but I knew very well that all that I wanted was to be as close to him as possible. He looked at me a bit surprised, but when he realized what I was doing he seemed a bit disappointed. “Ne, can I rest my head on your lap?” Again that question… “Yes…” And he actually turned around and placed his head on my lap. I could feel his gaze again, but this time he was looking at my face, and when I felt his hand again touching my cheek I couldn’t stop myself from looking down at him… And the I just couldn’t stop staring in his eyes. Divine, sincere and innocent eyes… I could see his whole soul through them and I could only see love in it. For me. For the worthless me, the idiot who made him suffer because of fears. He felt so close to me, so similar to me, that I knew he was me and that I had become him. We were one now, and we both knew it. No fears left, no ignorance and no distance. I leaned down and I took his head in my hand and the next thing I knew, our lips were touching. The bittersweet taste of him and of me, of the feelings we both felt. Just love. Just US…
- Current Location:home
- Current Mood: apathetic
- Current Music:Kanjan8- My last train
Ok, I know I didn't finish the first on yet, but I had this one written for quite a while now.
Pairing: Nishikido Ryo& Shibutani Subaru
Genre: Letters/ Angst
Description: When one isn't there anymore... But the love will forever exist.
Ryo- chan へ: "All I wanted was to give you a smile... All I wanted to see WAS your smile! That warm, heart-filling smile that I had envisioned right from the moment I was born. I wished for you to give me your best and tried my best to make you really feel like you could show me that smile I always longed for...Even though I had no tears, I shed them all for you deep inside my soul, and even though everyone thought I was not capable of even once loving, I felt like all my life had been created the same moment I met you. There were times I did not know what was I supposed to do, not even who I was, there were moments when I was lost and when I could not reach you anymore, but those moments were so painful, and not seeing your smile was so overwhelming, that I always came back to you and begged for your mercy... And you always took me back. You always knew when I needed your warmth and you always knew when my life itself was not enough anymore. You gave me you hand, you gave me a heart, and you shared your life with me. And I thank you. Not even death seems so scary anymore. Not even the loneliness affects me anymore, when I now I'll always have you in a way or another, in one of your forms or another. I was born from your soul and was given a life due to your wish. I lived for you, and you were my life entirely. That night I wished to see you happy and you told me you will always be happy for me. All I want now is to always carry with me the strength of your smile and the warmth of your laughter. All I want now is to always remember... To remember the one who you were and the one who you made me; One soul... One smile"
Subaru-kun へ: "You came to my life for only a few days... That's how it felt like. I did not see you, you tried to shine more and more for my sake. I did not want you, but you always tried harder
and harder. You gave me hope, you gave me strength, you gave me love. And you never asked
for anything in return; and I never gave you anything back... You said you loved my smile...
Well, that's so like you. You were hurt, but you always took care of me, you were sad, but you always tried to cheer on me. You gave me everything you had and I ended up opening my soul to you. I ended up giving you more than a smile, more than love, my life entirely. I ended up falling for you, and all I wanted was to never let go of your hand. All I needed were your tender and caring arms and your lively feelings that had always reached for me in the moments I most needed you. I loved you; with all my might and... and you left. All I had left were memories, promises and wishes. All you had left behind was the memory of your kind face, your heart and a smile... my smile... And even though my heart cries right now, I'll keep smiling for your sake. I'll always show you that I can be strong even now when I need you so much, when I miss your words so much and when I feel like I will never stand up again. I know you'd wanted me to. I know. Even though it's night for me right now, I still have that shooting star you made a wish upon to light up my way again. I still have your love that was too strong to fade away so soon... Good night, my love. Don't forget that my smile will always be yours and let me feel your love forever."
- Current Location:work
- Current Mood: cheerful
- Current Music:Shibutani Subaru- words
“Somewhere in this world there is a person who is waiting for me… A person who loves me without even knowing it yet… My most treasured person… And for that person’s sake I will do my best… I will try as hard as I can, so that when I will finally meet her I will be able to make her happy… To make US happy.”
My name is Subaru and this is what I used to think. I used to dream day and night how fulfilling that moment would be when I would meet her and we would both know that is how it was meant to be… But there I was, almost 30 and I still hadn’t felt such a strong connection to anyone. I was still in the dark, searching for something to tell me that I was one step closer to happiness.
I was working as a teacher at a private high-school. I had been teaching there for 4 years already, and I had started to think that staying in Osaka had been a bad decision. Maybe I should have left, searching for whatever it was that I was looking for. Maybe I should have done more…
And that was how I felt at that time… At the time I met him. We had gone out, the teachers all together in a club since it was summer break. We had chosen a more quiet, private club, so that we could have some drinks and have a good time without all the crowds and agitation of the city. And it was then when I saw him. Or more like he saw me. I was almost ready to leave, when I saw a man, close to my age coming towards me. He sat next to me and asked me the most idiotic question I had ever heard.
“Can I rest my head on your lap?” That was it. No “Hello, my name is…”, no “I want to know you..” Nothing. He surprised me so much that I wasn’t even able to answer the question; I just got up and left the club without saying another word. I never even thought about why he had asked that. I mean, he was a guy, after all… Even so, after I got home that night, all I could think about were his sincere smile and friendly eyes when he had said those words. There was no sign of bad intentions, of fakeness in any of his features. But it was all too weird to even think about it again after that night, so I decided not to metion it to anyone again.
And the days kept going by, but with each minute, I felt like I was losing something, like I had missed something that made me wish for it even more, without even knowing what it was. I was losing myself day by day, or maybe I was just losing my mind. One month had passed since that incident and I was closer to the edge than I had ever been, closer to giving up on whatever I was waiting for.
But then I saw him again. And this time I knew. I knew what I was looking for, I knew what I had been missing, I knew what I had lost all this time. It was him and it was me. I had gone again in the same club- I have no idea why, maybe because of an instinct, maybe because I was too tired of all those heavy feelings and I was searching for something to ease my pain. And he was there again. But this time he was not the same person, he seemed lost, hurt and out of place. Kind of like me, I guess... He was drunk, just as drunk as a person can be and he was clinging on a girl. He was almost too painful to watch. That feeling of being lost in a world that was too big for you, that feeling of despair were too much to bear with, so I chose the easy way out, I chose to simply ignore his presence. But his eyes were painfully stuck in my mind, so soon I realized that there was no easy way out. That suddenly, that place had become too small for me, that I had to leave, otherwise I would have died suffocated by an unknown feeling of guilt. I said my good-byes and I ran out of the club, feeling more dizzy than ever and more lost that I had ever thought I could feel.
But there he was again. At that point I ended up thinking I was hallucinating, but soon I realized he was just as real as the heavy feeling in my stomach was. In that moment, more real than I could take. Now the girl was clinging onto him, overly happy and overly drunk, trying to talk to him, but he looked like he felt too bad to even bother to answer. And then he raised his face and he saw me… Again, he SAW me. Or, he saw through me. Maybe he had seen it all from the very beginning, maybe he had known all along. He tried to get rid of her, in what seemed a very harsh attempt to release yourself from the strains of an enemy and stumbled all the way until he reached me. He put his hands on my face and asked “Why did you do this to me? Why do you hate me?” His words hit me and hit me so badly, that I was close to bursting in tears, but when I looked into his eyes and I felt all his pain, I finally felt it… That familiar feeling that I had been searching for all this time. That feeling of absolute sadness (or happiness?) that I had been missing. And I couldn’t let go anymore. I was stuck in that moment, with that feeling that I had needed so much and I just couldn’t lose again. And then he fainted. I guess he had reached his limit. I knew I had. And I wasn’t even drunk. So I caught him and I carried him all the way to my car, where I laid him on the back seat. I got inside the car, ignoring the disappointed screams of the girl that had been suddenly left alone and I drove off in a rush.
When I got home, I laid him on the sofa, but I felt so drained and so tired that I couldn’t even get myself to go to my own bed. I just sat on the floor, next to the sofa and I looked at his face again… He had such a beautiful face, and even though I knew he was my age, his face still looked like a child’s… Or like an angel’s… His dark hair, his long nose, and his lips all looked more familiar to me than my own body. But he looked so hurt and so alone, that it made my whole being ache and my body tremble because of the pain. I started to cry without even realizing it and probably that was how I fell asleep, because the next morning when I woke up, I felt just as tired as I had been a few hours before. I was lying on the floor, but I was covered with a blanket and as I turned around to see how he was doing, I was surprised to see that now he was also sleeping on the floor, next to me. His face looked a lot happier; I didn’t need him to smile to know that he was actually smiling and that he felt more comfortable now. I just did. And I felt so much better as well, knowing that he didn’t suffer anymore. Maybe he knew I had found out. Maybe he realized I had finally understood him. Maybe he saw me crying and he knew I was crying for him… For US…
I suddenly felt like I needed to wrap my arms around him, to make sure I would never lose him again, that I would never miss this kind of happiness again. And so I did, because I felt cold and empty without him next to me, because his body felt so warm and familiar that I couldn’t resist anymore… I felt like I had to protect him from everything that he had been through and give myself everything that I had been missing… And this was how we slept the rest of the day, too tired to open our eyes, yet too contempt with this embrace to even want to be deprived of it.
And then, when I finally gathered the courage to loosen from the embrace, to try to see whether he was still asleep, he suddenly spoke… “Don’t let go of your Ryo… We have both waited long enough to deserve to never let go again…” All I could do was to hold him even closer to my chest and tell him: “Don’t worry, we were meant to be… This is the happiness we were both expecting and now we have found it… Together.” And then I was sure of it.
- Current Location:Work
- Current Mood:artistic
- Current Music:Se7en- One last cry